obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
