i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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