I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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