my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
