I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
