She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
