I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
