hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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