I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
