The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
