I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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