"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
