why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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