i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
