Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
