apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
