Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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