Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
