i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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