I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I want her autograph on my taint
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Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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