Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
