her vagine was all disorganized.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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