Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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