I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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