What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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