Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
