All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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