She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
