Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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