Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
