You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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