i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
