You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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