Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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