Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
