I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
