Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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