You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
