Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
