Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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