Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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