The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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