my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
