the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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