I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We talked him into tasing himself.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
