Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
