so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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