I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
