is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
