It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my being single is dangerous.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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