I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
