you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
