She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
