I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
