2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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