He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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